


Future in the Past

by orphan_account



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-09-29
Updated: 2000-09-29
Packaged: 2019-05-15 18:55:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14796092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: CJ returns to Washington three years after she left.





	1. Future in the Past

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

Disclaimers: The West Wing and it’s characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended. No profit is being made from this

Rating: PG-13

Summary: CJ returns to Washington three years after she left.

Author's Note: First of all I would like to thank AJ, cherryice, and DaniBeth for beta reading this. I also would like to thank AJ for coming up with the title of this fic. Okay, I have written this fic in First Person POV.

~~~~~~~~~~~ Denotes CJ's POV

^^^^^^^^^^^^ Denotes Toby's POV

************* Denotes a flashback

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sat looking out the window as the plane landed. After three and a half tumultuous years, I am back in this city. I never thought I’d be back, but here I am, a freshman Senator from California. It really is unbelievable, but I allowed them to talk me into it. Well, I really wanted back in the game but it is a little strange to play it from the other side. But I’ll get used to it.

A couple of days later, I open the door to my townhouse and find Josh Lyman standing there.

"Josh," I cried hugging him. "Come in."

"Thanks CJ." He said. "It’s good to see you again."

"You too."

"You know what I really can’t wait to do?" Josh said.

"What?"

"Visit you in your new office. I still can’t believe you actually ran."

"Neither can I." I laughed.

"Yeah, I bet you can’t." Josh says, and I notice his attention is elsewhere. I look up and see someone carefully coming down the stairs.

"Mommy." My two year old son Michael says.

"And this must be Michael." Josh says staring intently at him.

"Yeah, this is Michael." I say picking him up. I look up as Michael’s nanny, Beatrice, comes down.

"Do you want me to take him?" She asks.

"Please, for a little while." I say. "Thank you."

"He’s cute." Josh said.

"Thank you." I replied.

"Has it been hard?" Josh asks.

"What?"

" Raising him without his father?" Josh says.

I stood quietly for a moment before answering. "Yeah it has been at times. Anyway, I didn’t have a choice. You know that. You were the one who came to me after the wreck."

"Yeah, I know CJ. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have brought it up."

"It’s okay Josh." I said softly as my mind drifted back to the days just after the wreck.

************************************

Three Years Earlier

More than anything, I wanted to forget the last six months. My divorce from Toby, leaving DC and coming back to California, meeting up with Paul again, going back to DC and everything that happened then, and the wreck two days ago that had taken Paul’s life. The trip to DC, six weeks ago. I can’t help but think of that. My life would be so different if I had never taken that trip, or if the trip had ended differently. I’m shaken from my reverie when I hear someone come into my hospital room. I look up and see that it is Josh.

"Hey CJ." Josh said quietly as he came into the room.

"Josh." I said reaching my hand out to him.

"Boy am I glad to see you are okay."

"Yeah." I said quietly.

"I’m sorry CJ. You and Paul were close?"

"You could say that." I replied.

"I see."

"What?" I cried.

"It’s just I’m glad to see you had started to put the past behind you."

"Why do you say that?"

"I talked to Toby just before I came here."

"Yeah."

"Well, he hopes you are okay. He also said that it is definitely over between you."

"I see." I said. ‘I definitely know what I have to do now.’ I thought.

***********************************************

Two days later I enter the West Wing, for the first time in three years, along with a few other freshman Democrats. After, speaking with Leo, Josh, and the President, I start to leave. As I am walking through the corridors I somehow end up in the communications bullpen. I say hello to Ginger, and wonder to myself if it would be wise to go in. Ginger seems to be reading my mind, and tells me to go on in. So, I knock tentatively on the door, and wonder if this is the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life.

"I was in the building and wanted to say hello." I say to Toby.

"Hello." He says.

"Hello." I reply.

"Congrats on the election."

"Thank you." I say looking around the office, which has not changed any in the last three years.

"I never thought you would do that."

"Neither did I. I should go."

"Okay." He says.

"Bye." I say and head for the door.

"Bye." He says to me as I leave.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Well, I guess that wasn’t as awkward as I expected it to be. I thought after she left my office. Claudia Jean Cregg, my Achilles heel in many ways. God, I was so happy the day we were married, and so was she At least that’s the way I remember it. I thought as I begun to remember that day nearly five years ago.

************************************************

I look over to the beautiful woman sitting next to me, and I can’t believe that she is now my wife. She notices that I am watching her and she leans over and kisses my cheek. She then leans against me, and whispers, I love you in my ear. I smile at her and gently run my hand along her back as we get up to dance. CJ looks me straight in the eyes as we are dancing. I can’t help but think of how easy it is for me to get lost in her eyes.

A little while later, we walk into the hotel room in which we are going to spend our wedding night. As soon as the door closes behind us, and we are totally alone, I pull her to me and kiss her passionately. A few minutes later she breaks away whispering something about wanting to change into something else. As she disappears into the bathroom, I sit down on the bed to await her return. She returns later wearing a white silk gown. I smile as she walks towards me. I don’t believe I have ever seen a more beautiful site in my life. She sits down beside me on the bed. I gently run my fingers through her hair.

"Do you know how beautiful you are?" I said.

CJ just laughs and places her hands on my shoulders.

"I have waited so long for this." I said as I gently laid her back against the pillows on the bed and start to kiss her again.

***************************************************

Coming back to the present, I rub my hands over my eyes and get up. I have been thinking of CJ a lot lately, especially the last time I saw her. Ever since she announced that she was running for the Senate she had frequently been crossing my mind. I knew that if she won I would be seeing a lot of her again. I often felt that letting her go was the biggest mistake of my life. But, I didn’t want to risk the hurt again.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

to be continued....

  

  


	2. Future in the Past 2

See part 1 for disclaimer.

The song "When She Wakes Up and Finds Me Gone" is the property of Tim McGraw and Curb records. No copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Note: 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~Denotes CJ's POV 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^Denotes Toby's POV 

*************Denotes a flashback

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later that night, after putting Michael to bed, I sat in my den thinking of the last time I saw Toby before today. I don’t allow myself to think of that time very often. It is really too painful for me to think of. But after seeing him today, it can’t help but cross my mind.

**************************************************

I had left a few things in DC when I had gone back to California. I still had a key to the apartment I had shared with Toby, so I let myself in to get the rest of my things. He has changed things very little since I have been gone. I quietly gather the things I have left. After I have been there for an hour, I hear Toby’s key in the door. I had really wanted to be finished and gone by the time he came home.

"Hello." I said to him as he came through the door.

"CJ. What are you doing here?"

"I was picking up the rest of my things."

"Okay, do you need any help carrying those things?"’

"No."

"Then I’ll be in my office." He said.

"Okay."

I left the apartment for the last time shortly after that. I had only been back at my hotel room for an hour or so when there was a knock on my door. I looked and saw that it was Toby.

"Yes." I said opening the door.

"You forgot these." He said holding some flower arrangements that had been in the bedroom.

"Thanks I didn’t go in there." I said. "Would you like to come in for a minute?"

"Yeah."

We stood there in silence for a few minutes. I noticed that he was watching me closely.

"What?" I asked.

Toby reached out and gently touched my cheek. "I’ve missed you." He said.

"Really?" I asked.

"I don’t think I realized how much until I saw you standing....standing in the living room today."

I lean my face into his caress. His touch is so familiar to me. He closes the distance between us and watches my reaction closely as he does so. Watching him I know he is wanting to kiss me. I close my eyes and wait to see if he will. After a moment he puts his arms around me and pulls me against him. It feels so good to be back in his arms. I feel his hands rubbing along my back and then I feel him start to kiss me. It is a very passionate kiss and I kiss him back. After a moment we break away and I can feel him looking at me and I open my eyes.

"CJ." He said.

I watch him and wonder what will happen. But as his hands are caressing my back, I know what will happen. He lowers his head and starts to kiss me again. Then he pulls back as if to ask the question. I start to kiss him as my answer. As we are kissing I can feel him start to back me towards the bed. I feel my legs back against the bed and I fall back against the bed, pulling him with me. He places my head against the pillows, and then his kisses become very gentle and slow. It is almost as if he wants to prolong this. I sigh and start to kiss him again.

The next morning when I woke up, he was gone. Not a word, not a note, nothing.

***************************************************

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I walk back into Michael’s room. So far he has been adjusting to the changes in his life well. Michael means the world to me. In many ways he is all I have left. I will do anything to protect him, and the choices I have made because of him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I was unable to sleep that night, my mind was filed with thoughts of the last time I saw CJ. It was almost six months after we separated. She came back to DC to pick up some things she had left behind. I came home that evening to find her in the apartment. She said she didn’t need any help so I stayed in the office until she left.

***************************************

I came out of the office shortly after I heard the door close behind her. I had not been expecting her, and it had been a shock to come home and find her in our living room. Our living room, I really have to quit thinking that way. It’s been six months, one would think I would be used to it by now. But I’m not. I don’t know if I ever will be. I walked into the bedroom and noticed the picture of CJ and I that is sitting on the nightstand by the bed. As I look around the room, I notice that she has left a few things. So I decide to take them to her.

Hours later, I find myself holding CJ in my arms, as she sleeps. I’ve held her countless times before like this, but this time is different. This time I know it is the end. I sit down on a chair and start to write a note to her.

With a trembling pen in hand I try the best I can To write all the reasons I can’t stay And I hope she’ll understand I can’t leave her like a man Cause a man would never leave her this way

A note of things I should have said Lays beside her sleeping head As I make my way off in the night By the time the morning’s breaking My heart will still be aching Every time I think of what I’ve left behind

Cause I don’t want to see me leaving in her eyes And I can’t stand to watch her watch me make her cry And I don’t know a right way I can do her wrong So I don’t want to be here in the morning When she wakes up and finds me gone

It hurts to know how much she’ll hurt I’ve told myself things could worse And I’ve convinced myself she’s better off this way By the time she finds I’m gone I’ll be a long long way from home When she reads a note of things I couldn’t say

Cause I don’t want to see me leaving in her eyes And I can’t stand to watch her watch me make her cry And I don’t know a right way I can do her wrong So I don’t want to be here in the morning When she wakes up and finds me gone

Lord, I don’t want to be here in the morning When she wakes up and finds me gone

I try and try to write a note to her, but the words are just not coming right. Finally I give up and put the crumbled evidence of my attempts into my pocket.

A little while later, I look back at her as I’m getting ready to leave the room. I walk back over to her and brush the hair back from her face. I then kiss her forehead and walk away. Opening the door, I looked back at her one last time. "I love you." I thought. "But it’s so damn hard to make this work. I can’t risk my heart again." I thought as I closed the door and walked away from her for the final time.

**********************************************

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

to be continued...

  


	3. Future in the Past 3

See part 1 for disclaimer

Authors Notes:

~~~~~~~~~~~Denotes CJ's POV 

^^^^^^^^^^^Denotes Toby's POV 

***********Denotes a flashback

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s funny, Toby and I have actually been getting along lately, I would even almost say that we are friends now. Well maybe not friends, but we are at least civil to each other right now. It has been a little strange, given our history and everything that has happened or could happen.

**********************************************

Paul was wonderful when I went back to California. We had known each other for years. In fact, we had been dating rather seriously before I started working on the Bartlet campaign. We decided that we would end our relationship, rather than try the long distance thing. When I went back to California after Toby and I divorced, Paul and I decided to try again. Then I went back to DC and Toby and I slept together. There was no way I could tell Paul about that. I knew that he realized that there was something bothering me. So he decided to take me to the beach six weeks after I came back from DC to cheer me up. I knew by that time that I couldn’t live with the guilt of keeping it from him anymore. So I decided to tell him what had happened between Toby and I that weekend. But fate had something else in store for my life. That was the weekend I lost Paul.

***********************************************

Michael would be turning three soon. I like to mark all of the milestones of his life with a small party, so I’m having one on Saturday. I’m really looking forward to it.

So, I find myself standing in the door to my dining room watching Michael open his presents on Saturday. I can’t help but smile as I watch him. He is so happy with everything. I open the door and find Josh and Toby standing out there.

"Toby and I have a meeting to go to in a little bit. So I just thought I would drop Michael’s present off." Josh says.

"That’s fine. Just take it into him." I reply.

Josh takes the gift in to Michael and I stand in the foyer talking to Toby until Josh calls him into the dining room. I stay in the foyer and watch as Josh introduces my son to Toby. I watch Toby’s reaction closely and then see him whisper something to Josh and leave the room. Knowing him, and the situation, as well as I do, I wonder what is wrong. So, as he passes by me I ask.

"What’s wrong?"

He doesn’t say a word. He just looks at me and then away from me. I follow his gaze, and see that he is looking at Michael. He then leaves. As I close the door behind him, I wonder what he thinks he knows.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I didn’t want to go, but Josh talked me into it. Maybe it was a good idea that I did go. I can’t believe it, but the resemblance is undeniable to me. Michael Cregg looks so much like my younger brother David did at that age.

"Toby." Josh says as he gets into the car. "Why did you run out of there?"

"Don’t you think that if I wanted you to know that I would tell you?"

"Yeah."

Josh is quiet after that, and I find myself lost in my thoughts. Trying to figure out if it is possible Michael could be my son. If he is, he has to be the result of that last night we spent together. I remember when that happened and know that it is possible that Michael is my son.

When Josh came back from California, all those years ago, he told me that CJ was pregnant. I obviously assumed that the man she had been involved with was the father. I had always thought that if the child had been mine, she would have told me. Now I wonder why she didn’t?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I find myself at the door to Michael’s room later that night. I can’t help but wonder if Toby has figured out the truth. I know he will never understand what I have done. Hell, sometimes I’m not certain I understand it myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I knew that I had to confront CJ with my suspicion. It was something that I could not delay doing, but I didn’t know how to approach her. Finally, after agonizing over it for four days, I went to her house.

When she let me into the house, she seemed a little surprised to see me at first. But she very quickly hid her surprise.

"Is there anything I can get for you?" She asked.

"No, but we need to talk." I said.

"What about?"

"I think you know, CJ."

"If you think that, then you should tell me what we need to talk about." She replied.

"Okay."

"Okay, so what is it?" She asked.

"Michael."

After I spoke, CJ quickly sat down on the nearest chair. I watched her as she took a few minutes to collect her thoughts.

"What about Michael?" She asked.

"He just turned three years old right?" I asked.

"Yeah." She said warily.

"Okay, then he was born approximately, nine months after our divorce was finalized."

"I was dating Paul at the time, remember."

"Yes, I know that."

"Okay, then why all the questions?"

"You know why!"

"I do?! I’m afraid that I have no idea why you are asking me all of these questions." She shouted.

"Am I going to have to spell it out for you?"

"Yes!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had been living on borrowed time since I had started the Senate campaign. I knew that time was up when Toby knocked on my door a few days after Michael’s birthday. I didn’t know how to react to him. I was defensive and I didn’t want to tell him anything. When he asked me if I needed him to spell it out for me, I shouted yes.

"You can’t figure out why I’m here?" He asked.

"No, I can’t." I said defensively.

"Do you remember the last night you were in DC?"

As he asked the question, I wondered how he thought I could have forgotten that night. "Yes." I said quietly.

"Then maybe you know why I am here?"

"No, I really don’t know." I said.

"Michael is the result of that night. At least that is the impression I have." He said.

"Oh, God." I thought. "He knows, he knows. What the hell am I going to do now?" But I didn’t say that aloud, instead I said. "Then your impression is wrong."

"No it’s not."

"I think I would know who the father of my son is."

"Then why don’t you admit it?!"

I knew that I couldn’t lie to him and say that he was not Michael’s father. The tone of my voice, my inability to look him in the eye or something else would give me away. I just looked at him and said nothing.

"Your silence says a lot" He said quietly.

"It does?"

"Yes, it does. You can’t lie to me, but you won’t tell me the truth either. You know I can find out don’t you?"

"What do you mean?" I asked warily.

"I can have a paternity test ordered." He said and turned to leave.

I stood there stunned for a moment. I don’t really know why I was stunned. I knew it would come to this. It was just the shock of hearing the words come from his mouth. I caught up with him at the door.

"Toby." I said softly as his hand was on the door knob.

"What?" He said without turning around.

"You don’t have to do that."

"You are not giving me any choice." He said.

"Look at me. I want you to look at me as I tell you this."

He turned around and I took a breath before speaking. "Michael is *your* son."

He looked at me a moment before speaking. "How can you be positive of that?"

"Because you are the only possible father."

"What about Paul?"

"Paul and I were not intimate then."

"I see."

"I’m not lying to you."

"I know that."

"What are you going to do?" I asked him.

"Honestly?"

"Yes."

"I have no idea." He said and left.

I stood there looking at the closed door for some time after Toby left. I wondered how I had gotten myself into this mess, and how I could fix it. If it could be fixed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

to be continued...

  


	4. Future in the Past 4

See part 1 for disclaimer

This entire part is written from CJ's POV

A week had passed since my confrontation with Toby. I had not heard anything from him, and that scared me. I had no idea what he planned to do about Michael. I looked up from the papers I was reading when my secretary told me that Toby wanted to see me.

"Hello." I said when he came into the office.

"I thought we needed to talk." He said and sat down in one of the chairs in front of my desk.

"You’re probably right."

"Yeah." He paused for a moment and then said. "I have one question."

"What?"

"Why didn’t you tell me?"

"I don’t know if I even know the answer to that question." I said softly.

"You do know. You’re the one who made the decision."

"Yeah, you asked me if I remembered the last night I was in DC. Now I’m asking if you do?"

"Yes."

"Do you remember the next morning?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I would say that our memories of that morning are very different, since you left before I woke up!"

"Yes I did."

"Why?"

"You remember what it was like when we were together. It was so hard on both of us, especially when we couldn’t make it work."

"Yeah."

"I didn’t want to risk my heart again."

"Okay." I said turning and looking out the window for a moment. "I knew I was pregnant when I was in the car wreck."

"So you knew when Josh came out to see you?"

"Yes, and it was something that Josh told me that caused me to make the final decision."

"And that was?"

"You had told Josh that it was over between you and me."

"CJ..."

"Yes, I know you would have done what you considered to be the right thing. But you wouldn’t have stopped to think that maybe, just maybe that wouldn’t have been the right thing for *me* at that time."

"And keeping Michael from his father for three years was the right thing?"

"Raising your voice to me is not going to do you any good. In fact it’s only going to make me angry."

"Then maybe you’ll know a little about how I am feeling right now."

"I’m not going to say that you don’t have the right to be angry with me."

"Thank you for acknowledging that right. You still really have not answered my question."

"If we had gotten back together because of my pregnancy, it wouldn’t have worked."

"That’s something we will never know."

I sighed and started to speak, but I was interrupted when my secretary knocked on the door and came in.

"Yes Marion." I said.

"I’m sorry to disturb you, but I’m afraid that I have some bad news for you."

"What?" I asked.

"Michael’s nanny called a few minutes ago. He has been having severe abdominal pain She has taken him to the hospital. She think it is his appendix."

"Which hospital?"

"George Washington University." Marion said.

"I really should be going to the hospital." I said to Toby.

"Did you drive this morning?" He asked.

"Yeah."

"Do you really think you are in any shape to drive now?"

"I don’t have a choice."

"Yes you do. I’ll drive you and I’m not taking no for an answer."

"Okay."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

to be continued...


	5. Future in the Past 5

See part 1 for disclaimers

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It had been nearly two hours since they had taken Michael in for surgery. I tried to sit down a few times, but I just couldn’t sit there quietly awaiting news. So, I got up and started to walk around the small waiting room. Toby had stayed with me. It didn’t surprise me, after all Michael is his son too. He sat in a chair quietly watching me as I paced the floor in the small waiting room.

"You should sit down." He said.

"I’m fine."

"No you are not." He said holding a hand out to me.

"Why are you being so nice to me?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"I kept him from you, I even tried to deny that he was your son when you confronted me about it. So why are you being nice to me?"

"Right now that doesn’t matter."

"If you say so."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

CJ had grown quiet after I had gotten her to sit down. Finally I was unable to stand the direction in which my thoughts were going, so I decided to talk to her.

"What was Michael like as a baby?" I asked breaking the silence in the room.

"He was very quiet. He didn’t cry a lot." She said. "And I know what you are trying to do?"

"What am I trying to do?"

"You’re trying to take my mind off of this by asking me these questions."

"You’re probably right." I said.

"I know I am and it’s working. What else do you want to know?"

I thought for a moment before answering her. "Was the pregnancy a rough one?"

"In the beginning it was a little rough because of the car wreck. And then facing what Josh had told me that you had said."

"If I hadn’t said that what would you have done?"

"I really don’t know. I felt that statement took the decision out of my hands so I don’t know what I would have done." She said quietly.

"Okay."

"You know that you look very tired." I said.

"Yeah I am tired." She said.

"You should try to sleep." I suggested.

"I don’t think I could sleep."

"You should at least try to rest some." I said and tentatively put my arm around her. When she didn’t resist, I laid her head in my lap.

"You used to do this on Air Force One when we were married." CJ whispered.

"Yeah, I know." I said and started to stroke her hair.

"You’re confusing me you know."

"How?"

"You’re acting like you did when we were married, and as soon as Michael is out of the hospital we’ll be at each others throats."

"I don’t mean to confuse you."

"I know that, but it’s still true." CJ said and reached for my other hand.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Toby had been correct when he said Michael would be fine. He came through the surgery well, and I was able to go into his room to see him a little later. He was asleep and I only stayed for a few minutes. When I walked back into the hallway, Toby was still standing there.

"You didn't have to stay." I said to him

"Yes, I did. How is he?"

"Sleeping. The nurse said he would probably sleep through the night." I replied.

"Do you need anything?" Toby asked.

"I don't know. Could you take me home to pick up some things?"

"Yes. Have you eaten anything today?"

"No, I don't know if I could anyway."

"You need to. I'll take you to get something to eat while we are gone."

"Okay."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I watched CJ eat in silence. She has said very little since we left her house. Finally I was unable to stand the silence.

"I'm glad you are eating."

"Why?"

"I know that when you are upset you don't eat."

"Yes. May I ask you something?"

"Yeah, what?"

"Why are you being so nice to me? I really would have thought you would hate me because of what I have done."

"I don't hate you.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

to be continued...

  


	6. Future in the Past 6

See part 1 for disclaimers

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It had been nearly two hours since they had taken Michael in for surgery. I tried to sit down a few times, but I just couldn’t sit there quietly awaiting news. So, I got up and started to walk around the small waiting room. Toby had stayed with me. It didn’t surprise me, after all Michael is his son too. He sat in a chair quietly watching me as I paced the floor in the small waiting room.

"You should sit down." He said.

"I’m fine."

"No you are not." He said holding a hand out to me.

"Why are you being so nice to me?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"I kept him from you, I even tried to deny that he was your son when you confronted me about it. So why are you being nice to me?"

"Right now that doesn’t matter."

"If you say so."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

CJ had grown quiet after I had gotten her to sit down. Finally I was unable to stand the direction in which my thoughts were going, so I decided to talk to her.

"What was Michael like as a baby?" I asked breaking the silence in the room.

"He was very quiet. He didn’t cry a lot." She said. "And I know what you are trying to do?"

"What am I trying to do?"

"You’re trying to take my mind off of this by asking me these questions."

"You’re probably right." I said.

"I know I am and it’s working. What else do you want to know?"

I thought for a moment before answering her. "Was the pregnancy a rough one?"

"In the beginning it was a little rough because of the car wreck. And then facing what Josh had told me that you had said."

"If I hadn’t said that what would you have done?"

"I really don’t know. I felt that statement took the decision out of my hands so I don’t know what I would have done." She said quietly.

"Okay."

"You know that you look very tired." I said.

"Yeah I am tired." She said.

"You should try to sleep." I suggested.

"I don’t think I could sleep."

"You should at least try to rest some." I said and tentatively put my arm around her. When she didn’t resist, I laid her head in my lap.

"You used to do this on Air Force One when we were married." CJ whispered.

"Yeah, I know." I said and started to stroke her hair.

"You’re confusing me you know."

"How?"

"You’re acting like you did when we were married, and as soon as Michael is out of the hospital we’ll be at each others throats."

"I don’t mean to confuse you."

"I know that, but it’s still true." CJ said and reached for my other hand.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Toby had been correct when he said Michael would be fine. He came through the surgery well, and I was able to go into his room to see him a little later. He was asleep and I only stayed for a few minutes. When I walked back into the hallway, Toby was still standing there.

"You didn't have to stay." I said to him

"Yes, I did. How is he?"

"Sleeping. The nurse said he would probably sleep through the night." I replied.

"Do you need anything?" Toby asked.

"I don't know. Could you take me home to pick up some things?"

"Yes. Have you eaten anything today?"

"No, I don't know if I could anyway."

"You need to. I'll take you to get something to eat while we are gone."

"Okay."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I still find it unbelievable that Toby does not hate me, or at least he says he doesn't. If I were him I know I would hate me. It's been two days since Michael's surgery. He is doing very well, and the doctor's say that if all goes well I can take him home tomorrow. I haven't see Toby since the first night Michael was in the hospital.

"Senator Cregg." One of the nurses said to me as I was walking to Michael's room.

"Yes, Naina." I said I had come to know the nurses very well in the last seventy-two hours.

"He is doing very well tonight." Naina said.

"That's great. Hopefully I can take him home tomorrow."

"Yes. Your friend is in there with Michael."

"Who?"

"Your friend who stayed with you the night Michael was brought in."

"Oh, thank you." I said and went towards Michael's room. Wondering what Toby was doing there and what he had told Michael.

What I saw as I stood outside of Michael's room, was shocking to me. And it was probably the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. Toby was sitting on the stool next to Michael's bed reading a book to him. It was really a touching scene for me, seeing my son and his father together for the first time. It was a scene that I didn't want to interrupt so I left.

As I was walking through the hospital corridor, I ran into Josh.

"Hey, CJ. How is Michael?"

"He's doing better. I might get to take him home tomorrow." I replied.

"That's great. So why is it you look so upset?"

"Toby is in there with him right now."

"And that is a problem how?"

It was only then that I realized that Josh did not know about Michael's parentage. "Why don't we go into the lounge and talk." I said.

"Okay." Josh said and we walked into the lounge.

"There is a lot of this you don't know about."

"Okay, if you want to start telling." Josh said.

"Paul was not Michael's father."

"What?? Then who...oh CJ, it can't be."

"Yeah, he is Toby's son."

"And you haven't told Toby this?" Josh asked.

"Well, I didn't have to, he figured it out."

"When?"

"Michael's birthday."

"That explains a lot."

"Yeah it does."

"So what are you guys going to do?"

"I don't know. We were just starting to discuss it when this happened. Now I don't know what will happen."

"What do you hope will happen?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Do you want you and Toby to get back together?"

"I don't know."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

CJ was finally able to take Michael home three days after his surgery. As far as I know, CJ has no idea that I went to see Michael in the hospital.

"Do you have a minute Toby?" Josh asks.

"Yeah."

"Okay." Josh said.

"What do you need?" I asked.

"I had an interesting conversation with CJ a couple of days ago."

"What about?"

"You, her, Michael."

"She told you?"

"Yeah."

"How much did you tell her?"

"What do you mean?" Josh asks.

"Did you tell her what I told you when you told me she was pregnant?"

"No, not yet."

"Not yet?"

"If you try something I will tell her."

"What would I try?"

"Toby I know you have to be pissed as hell with her. Look, just don't do something you'll regret later." Josh said and left.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Michael was able to come home a few days ago. The recovery time for a child is amazing, looking at him now, it is hard to believe he was ever sick. Still I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't know what, if anything Toby is going to do.

"Hello, Josh." I said as he came into the room.

"Hello, Claudia Jean. How is Michael doing?"

"He's fine. It's amazing, you can hardly tell he was sick."

"That's good."

"Yeah it is." I agreed.

"So have you heard anything from Toby?"

"No, I haven't and that scares the hell out of me."

"What do you think he will do?"

"I don't know, Josh. I know what I'm afraid he will do."

"And that would be?"

"File for custody."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

to be continued....

  


	7. Future in the Past 7

See part 1 for disclaimer

 

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I know I have to make a decision and it is not an easy decision to make. Contrary to what Josh and everyone else probably thinks, I have no intention of taking Michael away from CJ. There has to be some way that we can work out a reasonable way to do this. I can't help but wonder if things would have been different if I hadn't made the decision I made all those years ago.

*******************************************

Josh had said he would call as soon as he knew anything. It is taking him forever to call. I stare at the phone willing it to ring and finally it does.

"Hello."

"Toby." Josh says. "Listen I've talked to her doctors but she is still asleep so I haven't spoken with her yet."

"How is she?"

"They say she will be fine."

"Thank God."

"Yeah, Toby, listen they did tell me one thing."

"What?"

"She's pregnant."

"What?"

"Yeah, six weeks along."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Six weeks ago she was in D.C. I think there is a good possibility you are the father."

"She would have told me. And she was seeing someone in California, and if this child were mine she would have told me."

"Okay."

"Just tell her that I'm glad she is okay, and that she was able to go on with her life."

"You're certain of that?"

"Yeah, it's over between us."

*********************************************

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Toby still has not done anything about the situation with Michael. I'm starting to feel comfortable again and then I remember that Toby knows everything now. I really wish that he would go ahead and do whatever he is planning to do.

"Yes, Marion." I say to my assistant who is standing in my doorway.

"Toby Ziegler is here to see you."

"Okay, send him in." I said.

"Good morning, CJ." Toby says as he hits down in the chair in front of my desk.

"Good morning." I reply

"How is Michael?" Toby asks.

"He is doing well." I could see the relief on his face as I said this.

"Thank God." He says. "We need to discuss what we are going to do about this situation."

"Yeah we do."

"He needs to know the truth." Toby says.

"How on earth do I tell him?" I wonder aloud.

"I don't know, but I know it won't be easy."

"No, it won't. Are you planning to sue for visitation or custody?" I finally ask what has been on my mind since he walked in.

"I'm hoping we can work this out together without going to court over it."

"Yeah, that would be good."

"Yeah." Toby replied.

"I do think we need to talk more about this." I say.

"Yeah." He says and leaves.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later that evening Josh came by to see me.

"Nice speech." Josh says talking about a speech I had given on the floor of the Senate that day.

"Thanks you know I'm really considering doing a filibuster when that bill comes up for a vote."

"I'll bring you a copy of the D.C. phone book." Josh laughs.

"Okay."

"So how's it going?"

"Michael is very well again."

"That's good. What about the situation with Toby?"

"I hope things are going to be fine."

"Why?"

"He came to see me today. We talked."

"So he told you he didn't plan to seek custody?"

"He didn't come out and say that. But I thought that was what he was saying."

"Oh, I thought he would have told you."

"No."

"You know I can't help but think of how easily all of this could have been avoided."

"Josh, don't start with telling me I should have told Toby from the beginning." I say.

"I'm not it's just I know more of what happened on this end than you do."

"What do you know?"

"CJ, Toby didn't decide it was over with the two of you until I told him you were pregnant."

"What??!" I say in disbelief.

"Yeah."

"Do you know why I don't like to speculate about what I would have done if he hadn't said that?"

"Why?"

"I would have told him. The reason I didn't was because I thought it would only hurt Michael in the long run."

"If his parents were together only for his sake."

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"I don't know if I was even know the answer to that now. I wasn't exactly thinking clearly at that time, and you know that."

"Yeah I know."

"Toby and I had just divorced. Michael wasn't supposed to happen, and I don't regret that he did. I guess I thought that a baby would do nothing to improve the relationship and that in the long term, our rocky relationship would only hurt Michael.

"I'm not the one you should tell this to."

"I know that. But I don't know if I can open my heart up to him again."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

to be continued...

  


	8. Future in the Past 8

See part 1 for disclaimer

Author's Note: I am notoriously forgotten in thanking people. So I would like to thank cherryice for the idea and for letting me write it.

 

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I looked up from my computer when I heard the soft knock on my closed office door.

"Yeah." I answered.

"You really are burning the midnight oil." I hear CJ say from the doorway.

"It appears you are too."

"Not really."

"How is Michael?"

"He's fine. In fact he is in Josh's office if you would like to see him later."

"Okay. What did you need?"

"I thought we needed to talk again."

"Okay."

"Actually Josh told me something a couple of days ago."

"What did he tell you?"

"That you decided it was over between us *after* you found out I was pregnant."

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"I believed that if the child were mine, you would have already told me."

"I see. Toby, I had only just found out about the pregnancy. I was still adjusting to the idea. And I had already made my decision."

"And that decision was?"

"I was going to come back here. I was going to tell you that we were going to have a child. And I hoped that we would find a way to work it out." CJ says softly, she doesn't look at me as she is speaking.

"Why didn't you anyway?"

"Because I thought it would be bad for Michael if his parents were together only for his sake. And if I was in your life it had to be because you wanted me there, not because I'm the mother of your child."

"That would not have been the only reason I would have wanted you in my life." I said softly.

"What was the other reason?"

I didn't know if I wanted to admit the truth to her or not. I waited a moment before responding. Then I said. "Because I loved you."

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I couldn't believe what Toby said. It was unbelievable to me, that he had still loved me then.

"What did you say?" I ask

Toby walked closer to me and caressed my cheek as he spoke. " I said I loved you."

"That's what I thought you said. I just wanted to know if I was hearing you correctly."

"You did."

"Okay." I say and move away from him.

"CJ."

"Yeah." I say turning around to look at him again.

"I still love you."

There was nothing else he could have said that would have shocked me so much. It was very hard for me to admit how much I still loved him. And after everything that had happened I couldn't believe that he still loved me.

"I can hardly believe you."

"It's true."

"I know you are not lying."

Toby walks back over to me. "I do love you CJ."

After a moment I look at him. I reach up and touch his cheek and he puts his arms around me. We stand in each other's arms for what seems like hours.

"Why does this feel so right?" I whisper.

"Because it is right."

"Yeah. Toby?"

"Yeah."

"I love you."

Toby places a hand under my chin and moves my head until I was looking at him. "I love you too." He says and then gently kissed me.

"I guess this makes it easier to tell Michael."

"Yeah, but he needs to get used to me first." Toby says.

"I know. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am about that."

"Shh..don't say it again." He says and kisses me. "It's over. We won't say anything about it anymore."

"Okay."

"Why don't I take you and Michael out to dinner."

"Are you certain you want to do that?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

"It will be our first dinner as a family." Toby says.

"Yeah it will be."

Toby pulls me back to him again, and kisses me. He takes my hand and we walk from his office to our future.

 


	9. Epilogue

See Part 1 for disclaimer.

Author's Note: Okay, this was unplanned, but it was an idea that came to me earlier and wouldn't leave until I had written it.

All of this is written from CJ's POV

 

It has been a wonderful summer. Michael is getting very used to having Toby around. It has been such a joy for me to watch them together. They seem to be getting so much closer. Deep down I had feared that they would not become close. I don't know why I felt that way, it really was a very irrational fear. Toby puts Michael to bed every night. Michael has been very astute about mine and Toby's relationship. A couple of days ago he asked me if Toby and I would be getting married. I told him that he would have to ask Toby that question, not me. I explained that Toby would have to ask me, and that he had not asked yet.

"You put him up to that didn't you?" I heard Toby ask as he came into the room.

"Put him up to what?" I asked.

"Michael asked me tonight why I had not asked you to marry me."

"He did?"

"Yes, and don't ask so surprised. He also told me that he had asked you this question, and that you had told him he would have to ask me. Do you think you could have sidestepped that question anymore than you did?"

"No."

"You've been in the Senate too long."

"What do you mean by that?" I asked.

"Nothing."

"Okay."

Toby stepped closer to me and put his arms around me. During the summer months, we too had become closer again. I would say that our relationship is stronger than it ever was. We now understand the problems and misunderstandings that drove us apart before. There is no way that either of us what to make those same mistakes again.

"What?" I asked as I slipped my arms around him.

"I just wanted to hold you."

"That's fine."

"We need to tell him CJ."

"I know."

"We should do it soon."

"Yeah I think he is ready to hear it."

"So do I." I replied.

"Then we should start planning how to do it."

"Yeah." I said and walked away from him.

"What is it, CJ?"

"Nothing." I sighed. "I just wish..."

"Didn't I tell you that it's over. I forgave you for it long ago."

"When exactly?" I asked.

"When Michael was in the hospital and I watched you worry over him."

"Okay."

"Do you believe me?"

"Yeah."

"CJ!"

"Toby, " I sighed, "it's going to take me awhile to believe it. You know that. It's so unbelievable to me that you are not that angry over it."

"Do you know why I'm not?"

"No."

"Because I had a part in it too. I was the one who backed you into a corner."

"Okay."

"I love you." Toby said and wrapped his arms around me.

"You know I always feel better when I am in your arms."

"Then I should do this more often." Toby said.

"Yes you should." I said and laid my head on his shoulder.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It really is amazing to watch Toby with Michael. Although it is strange to watch him spend hours outside with Michael. I guess in a way he is trying to make up for the time he has lost with his son. I quickly push that thought from my mind as soon as I think it. I watch as they come inside, and then Toby and I sit down at the kitchen table to talk to Michael.

"Toby and I have something we need to tell you." I said.

"What?" Michael asked. "Are you getting married?"

"Well, your mommy and I were married along time ago." Toby said.

"When?" Michael asked.

"Before you were born." I said quietly. "You know how your friend Anthony has a daddy and how your friend Jeffrey has a daddy."

"Yes and I just have a mommy."

"Well Toby is your daddy." I said.

"Really?" Michael asked.

"Yes." Toby and I both replied.

"Okay." Michael said and he walked over to sit in Toby's lap. I watched them together for a few minutes and then left the room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few hours later, Toby walks into my bedroom, for the first time since we have been back together. I had just awakened, and he sits down beside me on the bed.

"I told Michael you were sleeping." He said.

"Is he in bed now?"

"Yeah, it's nine."

"I didn't know that."

"I noticed." Toby said. "He's calling me Daddy now."

"I'm glad." I said and I looked over at him and smiled.

"I love you." Toby said and leaned over to kiss my forehead. He then kissed my cheek and finally my lips. The kiss quickly turned passionate. He laid me against the pillows and continued to kiss me.

"Are you certain this is a good idea?" He asked after a moment.

"I've been wanting this to happen for awhile." I replied.

"So have I." He said as he started to kiss my neck. "Don't worry I plan to be here when you wake up in the morning."

"You better be." I laughed and started to kiss him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning I awoke to find myself tightly wrapped in Toby's arms.

"Good morning." He whispered.

"Good morning." I replied. "What time is it?"

"Seven."

"Michael will be up soon."

"Does he usually come in here in the morning?"

"Not unless the door is open."

"Okay, it's closed."

"Okay."

"I was going to ask you something last night, but we...umm...got a little carried away."

"Yes we did." I laughed.

I watched as he sat up and reached for something that was on the night stand. I could not tell what it was because of the way he was holding it in his hand.

"I had intended to do this differently, but now seems like a very opportune moment." He said.

"Okay."

"I love you, Claudia Jean." He said.

I smile to myself when he says my full name. He only does that when he is very serious. I'm almost positive that I know what is coming next.

"I'm going to do this the simple way. Will you marry me, again?" He asked.

"I think you know the answer to that." I said.

"Yes, so do I, but I would like to hear you answer it."

"You would?" I teased.

"Yes, I would."

"My answer is yes."

He reaches for my left hand and slips the ring on my finger. "I hope that you don't mind that I decided to use the same engagement ring I gave you all those years ago?"

"Not at all." I said as I sat up to kiss him. "I love you."

"I love you too." He said just before we kissed.

The end.


End file.
